Climber XXX was a very performance and goal orientated individual. He believed that the scheduled team training was insufficient for him to excel. He drafted up his own training programme (which was okay as long as he joins everyone for training) and attended scheduled training as and when he wanted. Personally, I felt that his individualistic attitude was not very appropriate as a varsity player and I saw a need to talk to him regarding this issue. And so, there was this night where I managed to catch him online via MSN (which I regretted doing so). My intention was to have a casual chat to understand his stand, to state my opinion and perhaps seek a compromise. However, the conversation turned ugly, with both of us rebuting each other. Phrases such as " Whatever, I don't really care" and "why are you so selfish?" were typed out in CAPS. Eventually, he quit the conversation, saying he was busy. There wasn't much room for negotiation in the conversation and we didn't manage to come to a compromise. He left for SEP the following semester and we never got to resolve our conflict.
The good thing is boys being boys, both of us forgave and forgot about the incident when he returned from SEP. Hence there is no hard feelings between us now.
I believe that the main problem lies within the serious difference in opinions with regards to being part of a team, which led to a lose-lose situation. During the conversation, I must admit that I got rather frustrated and impatient with my team mate's comments. Perhaps my responses to him were too emotionally driven and not judgemental enough. Putting myself in his shoes, I believe he could be feeling the same way as well, irritated by me finding faults at him. Yet , perhaps at the same time he couldn't really be bothered with what I was trying to put across to him.
I am not really certain what truly led to that dead lock situation.
Could it have been..
- the wrong choice of communication channel?
- the wrong timing of the conversation? (it could have a been a tiring day for either one of us?)
- both of us were too headstrong? Refusing to give in as it might be a man's "EGO" issue.
- both of us were too emotionally driven by our own beliefs and not behaving rationally?
- Or was it the tone that we confronted each other with?
Could addressing the above issues, allow us to resolve the conflict amicably?
On a lighter note, the rest of my team continued to train hard and we eventually emerged champion in a National bouldering championship during that semester!
Here's a photo of my team! Can you spot Matthew and me?
4 comments:
Hey Edwin, it must have been a real enriching experience being our captain for one year. Haha.
Anyway, I feel you have raised some pertinent questions and any of which or even of a combination of a few could have been the cause of the conflict. However, I would like to focus on the one about being too emotionally driven.
Firstly, it is clear that conflicts arise when there is a difference in opinion (with regards about being part of a team like you said). Hence, it is how we bring across our views and whether both parties can find a compromise that determines if there is going to be a conflict. Therefore, this is where we can use the EQ skills that we have learnt to try and find a peaceful resolution to the disagreement (e.g. self-awareness and managing your feelings to realise why you are getting frustrated and being empathetic to try and understand his point of view). However, it is always easier said than done to control our emotions and all it takes is for one person to lose his cool for the situation to escalate into a full blown argument. I have also realized that sometimes people just do not bother to listen about what you have to say or they take whatever you say from the worst angle possible when they feel that you are criticizing them. Hence, making you feel like you are talking to a brick wall.
Ultimately, it is not easy to know what is the limit before things get out of hand and it is also not easy to bring them back under control when they do. Anyway, I believe that you did your best and you have my full respect as the captain of the team.
PS: I really appreciate your confidence and help when we had the meeting with SRC.
Hey Edwin, you have provided many possible reasons that could have led to the conflict that you have mentioned. Using the wrong communication channels, communicating at the wrong time/place and the 'ego' issue will no doubt lead to the rise of conflicts, but i feel that the most important reason could be the way we put our words across to the other party and also the tone we use.
There is a big difference when we tell someone "I think you are wrong and I don't like what you just said" as compared to "I do agree with what you just said but i think it might be better if we do this instead. What do you think?". Hence, after a tiring day at training, both of you might not have been able to control your emotions well. As a result, things started to take a turn for the worse when you became too blunt or direct when putting your thoughts across to each other.
One way to handle this could be to find a day when both of you are free to meet up face to face and have a good talk. Try letting him know that you do respect that he does have the freedom to carry out to his own trainings but he still has to attend the scheduled trainings since we are a team. Try to look at things from his point of view as much as you can to get a more objective picture in order to come up with a win-win situation. Also, organising gatherings could also help to strengthen the bonds between the team members and as they get closer to one another, they will be more likely to attend trainings on their own accord. Hope it helps. Cheers! -Shaun
hey, Edwin.
I would agree with Matthew that all the questions u have stated could have been the cause of the conflict. But personally, I thought the most obvious fault would be the commnunication channel that was used in resolving this conflict, MSN. I understand you probably had wanted to 'talk' to him in a less formal way or rigid environment. However, I would think through MSN is a rather slack manner to do it because often times, we tend to react differently from our true self when hidden behind the screen. For instance, don't you think we tend to use the expression, 'haha' too often when chatting online? Are we truly amused by the conversation or was it just because of the lost of words? Similarly, your friend's emotions might not be properly expressed through msn or you could have interpreted it a little harsher than he meant it to be. Also, I felt that it was rude of him to just leave and gave an excuse that he was busy. Yet, that is what chatting online allowed us to do conveniently. He might not have even left his computer but you can't really do anything about it right?...haha. The outcome of the talk would have been vastly different if you had talked to him face-to-face. Anyway, I'm glad you guys had resolved the issue so easily just by forgetting and forgiving. Girls can do that too, okay. haha.
Hi Edwin, I believe all that you've listed could have contributed to the conflict in one way or the other. There are endless possible causes each time any conflict arises. Which is why I feel that we should be mindful and careful in our approach to trying to solve a conflict situation. Like what Huimin mentioned, MSN probably isn't the best communication channel to solve such an issue. I think you were trying to make the matter seems less grave and trying not to make it seem you're asserting our athority as captain. However, when communicating through msn, our concentration are often divided between many window screens. Sometimes we have to keep switching our minds as we click on the different conversation windows. It could also be that we are focusing on discussing an issue with this particular person, yet the other party has 10 conversations going on on his side. Many a times, there's a lot of guess work to do when communicationg through msn. We have to guess the other person's emotions, tone, feelings and etc. This is one reason that I feel might have amplified your conflict with XXX. Maybe you were really trying to sort the problem out. Yet he was paying attention to something else and didn't really feel like talking about it then. This might have led to his impatient replies as well.
Well, I'm glad things are solved and like Huimin mentioned, girls can do it too! Joyce's experinece is a fine example. =)
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